The struggle is real

Today as I sit to compose my thoughts and continue to tell my story. I find myself thinking of when is it appropriate to share and when to keep it to myself. Some things I want to share are very personal and bring emotions flooding into my head and tears well in my eyes to even think about them.

I think that level of emotion is a sign that I should tell them to the world, to share and bring awareness. Awareness that we aren’t alone, that there is help if we ask.

I feel myself take a deep breath as my thoughts start spilling through my fingers into this post.

I believe myself to be incredibly strong-willed and able to compartmentalize my thoughts and emotions. To tuck some in my ‘back pocket’ to worry about later and cover my insecurities and struggles with a smile, dimples and all. It fools many and even myself most of the time.

As more and more things get pushed into my ‘back pocket’ the harder it is to smile through what thoughts are there. My head explodes. Usually, it boils over with something rather small but it all comes out and my pocket is empty and I can start filling it once again.

The past 3 years have challenged this approach. I am not, condoning or saying it’s the right approach at all and I understand it isn’t healthy. However, there always seem to be more critical issues and problems to deal with, family matters, and others emotions that I hold more important than my own. Some of you might be starting to feel my words and be able to put yourself in my shoes. Family comes first, bigger problems like a death of a loved one or someone else’s anxiety or wants, all seem bigger than your own so you’ll push yours back further and keep busy helping, supporting and lifting others in your life.

In the past few weeks, I have found myself short-fused, not able to focus, exhausted, forgetful and simply unable to care. From the simplest things like “What do you want to watch on TV tonight?” I get frustrated looking and after 15 minutes decided I couldn’t choose so didn’t want to watch anything.

I was burying myself in my work because it was what I know and was comfortable with and felt I was in control of most aspects. My life on the other hand was spiraling out of control. Covering it all up with positive social posts and smiles. I was exhausted.

To try to combat the emotions and clear my head I picked up my cadence of hiking. The thing that makes me happiest most of the time. But recently when hiking for sunset I found myself sitting with tears rushing down my face while I watched the close of another day that I struggled through. These tears held my frustration, not knowing why I felt this way. I verbally stated to a few close friends that I was sad and feeling depressed. Unsure as I even said the word depressed that it was truly what I was feeling as I have never felt lost and like this before. I have always been upbeat, energetic and inspiring Sarah. I don’t recognize myself. Anyone that follows me on social wouldn’t see the difference. Perhaps an increase in posts about hiking for sunrises now and less inspiring phrases but written as a storyteller trying to bring you along with me as you read. Trying to get out of my head and hear ‘garbling brooks’ and the ‘crunch of the crampons on the snow under my feet as I climb” but every time as I reach the summit, the tears start flowing. Blessed that I could still make the journey, sad just because. My thoughts aren’t there anymore. I don’t know what I am thinking and it always seems to be confusion, frustration and a jumble of nothing in my head. Choices are hard to make, so I don’t make them.

I have been struggling with my emotions and feeling unheard and worthless. All I am ever trying to do is make the lives of those around me better, easier and more fun. I don’t feel that anymore. I don’t feel anything anymore but sadness, and then I am smiling to cover it up because I know it’s not what people are expecting from me. I can do better, I just don’t know how anymore.

Yesterday I went to a routine doctor's appointment. My doctor wasn’t in the room for 10 minutes before she turned the appointment into a psych evaluation. At that moment I felt attacked. Like I had done something wrong. My ability to hear faded in and out as my thoughts raced around my head. I heard my doctor explain it was because she was concerned the moment she walked into the room and I wasn’t bubbly and smiling. As she asked me what had happened over the past year my answers, bland and undescriptive. She knew immediately it wasn’t me. She wanted Sarah back.

I take pause and want to say, I have amazing doctors in my life! The kind that cares about me as a person and not just a patient. I also want to share that help is out there if we ask. When she asked if I wanted to talk about it I burst out in sobs and shook my head “yes”. And please note, I have a regular coach/therapist that I talk to online on a regular basis. Sometimes we need more and to hear advice and guidance from other perspectives.

After 90 minutes of questions and answers and a ton of ‘tell me more about that’ to dig deeper, I was deemed not harmful to myself or others but in need of social engagement. For 3 years I have locked myself away with only my partner and my daughter. It pointed out that I might even be struggling with my partner because I know nothing else, I have nothing else to think about or engage with. That this isn’t healthy for our relationship nor fair to either of us. My doctor also recalled vividly what I used to do before Covid. I used to be excited to share that I’d hiked with several people, got out and socialize with different groups, and done several activities like scavenger hunts in nature and day activities with friends. She then asked how long has it been since I last did those things. My answer wasn’t days, weeks, or even months, I actually don’t remember and it has to have been more than a few years.

I have lost friends through my isolation and others are challenged but do their best to stay connected at whatever level I will allow. I have asked them for a lot, but what I felt was needed for my safety.

The mental health specialist was recording and feverishly taking notes and busy laying out a plan. She was mostly quiet but then looked up and said the following, “In terms of your mental health, you are safer out with others than you are secluded” and my doctor chimed in with all the stats of Covid being of less of an impact now and even to those with limited immune systems. They weren’t saying go out and attend large concerts and spend numerous hours with unmasked people. They were saying, be safe, be you, go out and enjoy your people. it was made clear that the little risk that I am taking will have minimal to no impact on my overall physical health but may just save my life when it comes to my mental health.

PLEASE HEAR MY WORDS: MENTAL HEALTH IS YOUR HEALTH AND NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED.

I would have never thought that I could have moved so far away from myself and I even was trying to figure out if it was related to MS. Turns out sadness, uncontrollable tears on mountains, sobbing in the shower and feeling unappreciated, unheard, empty and blank inside means your mental health is severely being impacted by something. You might not know what, but let others help you by telling your story. Mine wasn’t MS, mine was a lack of external social engagement.

The cure is to allow yourself to let go, let go of others’ problems and challenges and focus on your own battles. Do what you need to without others’ feelings coming into play and do what you feel comfortable with. Not letting anyone else’s anxiety affect your choices, letting them find their happiness and deal on their own as you have your own battles and must fix yourself first.

So, I do feel better having someone tell me that it’s my mental health and it can be fixed and I should start feeling better as I take even the smallest steps to reintroduce myself into society. I am not saying this will be easy. I have my own anxieties and fears however I miss who I once was and I know she is there, she just needs to have her fire reignited.

The struggle is real. We all have our battles but please don’t put it in your ‘back pocket’ and keep it to yourself. I can personally share that It hurts your soul and caused me to become even more confused about what could be the problem. I was ignoring all the signs and clearly, I can now see that I am suffering from isolation side effects. I work from home all day, every single day, and I spend my extra time with a very limited number of people, one to be exact and that isn’t fair to either of us. I need more people and interactions. I get my energy and light from being a social butterfly. My wings were clipped by Covid but my doctors have informed me that they can be regrown and I can and will fly once again.

If you are struggling please talk with someone. I even offer myself, please reach out, you are not alone, and know that this too can be overcome.