Where to begin…

It is said that there is a beginning, middle, and an end to everything.

I believe this to be true and today we start in the beginning. Where it all began. The question is where did it all begin? Where is the beginning. To me, to this specific adventure, to my journey. Where did it begin? How did it begin? All great questions that I will sum up in cliff note phases: Childhood, College, Life As I Knew It, Coming Out, Diagnosis, Current State

Keep reading to ‘get to know me’, the abbreviated edition.

Childhood:

Born and raised in Upstate NY on our family dairy farm. One of three and in the middle of two brothers. A tomboy through and through including a backwards hat. I just wanted to be one of the boys, do what the boys do. Baggy jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt was my comfort clothes.

I did well in school. I pushed to be the best I could be in sports however I was lacking the talent of most. But I felt part of something so continued. I lacked for connections with what I would consider real friends but felt like more of a chameleon. I could adjust and tailor myself to fit into most groups.

College:

This was my chance to step outside of what everyone knew and become me. I was terrified. I made friends. I made best friends actually, life long friends. But I didn’t become truly ‘me’. I was terrified. My family wasn’t the accepting kind. They were the kind to keep quiet and not talk about it until it went away or if it came out they would man power it back into it’s hole or closet. I didn’t feel strong enough on my own to stand up as tall as I wanted to. So I continued to be a chameleon. To fit in as ‘normal’ and as people would easily accept.

Life As I Knew It:

I met a man who treated me nice, he loved me for me, including all my flaws. I fell in love with him, he was the ideal and what I knew to be the ‘normal’ behavior and actions to take as the ‘next steps’. I considered him my best friend. We met in college and quickly became a solid unit of one. We moved to the beautiful state of New Hampshire where he was from. We created a wonderful life together. Having a beautiful daughter and were happy. Incredibly happy, together. As an individual, I was still feeling like something was missing, off or lacking. This leads to the next phase,

Coming out:

After losing some initial weight, over 100 lbs. after childbirth I became a fitness junky of sorts, along with it came all the confidence, determination and commitment to be authentically me. We both quickly realized that I was changing, I was becoming a new person, a better version of myself.

At the age of 35 I had a conversation with myself and was able to connect some dots through self discovery. When I connected these dots I was able to come out to myself. I cried, as this was incredibly terrifying as I felt the same way as when I was younger, it all came rushing back and I just wanted to push it deep down inside again, but I couldn’t. I now knew what was missing, I needed to be me and I knew what that meant.

I came out to my husband and as my dad says, “I choose the the best one” because he supported, lifted and loved me for it. He was an integral part of me being able to stand up to my family and share this news, this fact. It didn’t go well with those that I knew it wouldn’t. Some lashed out and shut me out until they could come to their own terms with it. Those relationships are being rebuilt still today but will never be the same. Others accepted and moved on and it was a relief. Some had no response, were quiet and quickly shut me out and stopped communicating. All accepted responses as I can only be me, but now I was being truly me, unapologetically. Sometimes it has to be what it is and left alone. I will continue on, not letting their opinions effect me.

There have been struggles, there have been celebrations and there have been more struggles. I learned that, nothing can remain constant and change at the the same time. I had to Be The Change. I have lost things I had before when when I was the previous version of myself but in the search of becoming the best version of myself I have gained new things that allow me to be closer than ever to whom I really am.

Diagnosis:

When the air is knocked out of you and your feet swept out from under you. That is the moment you realize you have to pivot, accept, and move forward. In Sept 2019 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis with no warning, no family history and no knowledge of what it was.

An incurable, invisible disease that will haunt me from the inside out daily for the rest of my life.

I quickly educated myself, obtained the best MS neurologist in the state, became an advocate for myself and others to raise awareness and funds to find a cure. I shifted my attention from fitness and working out, hence the name of this site, originally it was sharing my fitness journey and working out hard and pushing yourself to be physically strong through working out hard, daily. About pushing past and through the pain because without pain there are no gains.

The shift moved to listen to my body, work within my new limits and eating to fuel my body properly. However, I hadn’t mastered that part. I was struggling to redefine myself. I only knew how to work out and push hard and ‘go big or go home’. I stopped it all. I started eating for comfort. I tried to start again but never with success. I had lost my motivation, my inspiration. My why! I gained weight. I tried to run again and keep cardio up but after each goal was met I’d hesitate and felt unmotivated again to continue. Leading to my…

Current State:

I understand these phases are broad and cover years in a cliff notes fashion. I am leaving a lot of holes but please know, I’m open to filling them all in if you have questions.

My current state starts when I met my #PuzzlePiece. She took my breath away just by seeing her picture online. I felt something in those pictures that rocked me to the core. Upon meeting her and getting to know her I knew she was my future. I needed her in my life. I wanted her thoughts and opinions in my life. She made me a stronger person, a understanding, less judgmental person. She quickly shifted my mindset on a lot of things. With her help I was able to let go of things that I was holding onto through being scared to stand on my own, holding onto because of guilt of letting people down, or having disappointed or failed others in my life, scared to express myself without a safety net.

In my current state I acknowledge that I have taken some pretty big steps. Steps like, making my past - official, moving into our own place and starting a life together. It all helped me once again, shift toward a better version of myself.

One of the biggest thing that needed to change was my mindset. Who was I now, how to handle the guilt I was feeling for changing and leaving others behind. I am going to say it, Mental Health always gets brushed under the carpet, but not here, not anymore. I got myself a therapist. I have weekly calls, check in and alignments. What an amazing change to what I once thought was only for the weak.

To be weak and vulnerable is to be the strongest you have ever been.

It takes that kind of strength to be openly vulnerable. I learned so much about myself through journaling, being asked the right questions and getting guidance from an expert on how to handle my emotions, my shift in life. Sometimes becoming the best version of yourself rocks you to the core and leaves you unsettled and confused, sad, happy, irritated, out of control and in control all at the same time. It takes asking for help. Taking that help, embracing it and learning from it to get and actually feel better.

I was able to rid myself of negative feelings and guilt and learn that I am in control of how I respond and react to others. I started to realize I needed to change the way I was living my life in terms of diet and exercise. I most recently did that through an amazing program (ask me and I will sing like a bird about it). I learned that through support from a coach, a community, the right resources and lessons with applied nutrition… one can truly rediscover themselves.

I learned new habits, adjusted my existing ones and was able to not only physically but mentally and emotionally change my life. I can honestly say, I am currently living my best life.

I am excited for the future and what it has to offer. I live each day as it comes but now with a more positive attitude and a more enlightened approach. Don’t get me wrong, I have a long way to go. But that’s what makes it exciting and worth living. It all comes back to living your best life as the best version of yourself. It seems unobtainable until you break it down into digestible pieces and steps to conquer by the minute, hour, day, week, month, year.

I will conclude by saying, everything above is a summation of ‘where it began’… let’s move on.