Emotions & Vulnerability
One of the strongest things we could do.
I was raised to be tough. I learned it was easier to hide my emotions in front of others with the phrase, “Suck it up” being used often. I was born and raised a farmer’s daughter with 2 brothers. I feel I was always in competition with them to be ‘tough enough’ to be allowed to do what they do. I liked being outside in the fields, around the tractors and barn helping out but my predetermined role was to be in the house, helping with cooking, cleaning and laundry. I was of course allowed to venture out and do my share of chores come milking time (scrapping down the barn, helping feed the calves, sweep in the mangers, etc) but then to go back into the house and help prepare the evening meal, pick up and clear the table and do the dishes. Not once were my brothers told to help with my task [Gender Roles? A topic for another day, another post].
This was normal to me, it was my place in the family. I was tough, on the outside. I could physically hold my own against the fights I got into with my brothers. I was seen as intimidating in circles at school and in college. Ok, even sometimes still today. A little intimidation can go a long way though, right?
I quickly learned those bottled emotions and not opening myself up left for a long fuse on what turns into a hot mess, as I like to describe it. That long fuse seemed good in the short term and I looked to hold it all together but it was the worst feeling. I was sinking in quicksand, the harder I fought to be strong and brave the more I sank. It leads to negative self-talk and unhealthy thoughts; believe me. The worst part was when that fuse reached its end and the explosion happened. The explosion typically came unannounced and for the littlest trigger so seemed unwarranted.
I have thousands of examples but a fun one that my family will never forget is the day I came home from college. Drove home unannounced and was enjoying dinner with my family. A simple hot dogs and tater tots meal. I asked my younger brother to pass the ketchup and he took the opportunity to squirt a huge covering of ketchup over my entire plate, drowning my tater tots. What should have been a roll of my eyes and dismissal turned into my screaming at him, shoving my plate away and breaking down into sobs and tears.
The back story was that I was having a hard time at college. My friends’ group wasn’t developing as I wanted. I was having a hard time fitting in and my decision not to pledge to a sorority had me losing most, if not all, of my already-built relationships. They couldn’t hang out with me as I wasn’t one of them. I felt alone. So I went where I felt loved, home. And then the ketchup. We laugh today, but this was just the surface of all of the emotions I had been hiding and would continue to hide for most of my life.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned that showing emotions didn’t mean you were weak, less-than, or lacking but that you were brave and strong. Brave enough to ask for help. Strong enough to know there was a problem you couldn’t overcome or solve on your own. I used to break down at work when frustrated dealing with others or not being able to handle the level of stress. Of course, I would leave the room, and walk away, trying to calm down but tears always seemed to flow, my emotions letting loose with no control.
Once I learned to lean into other co-workers, sooner than my breaking point, and ask for help or clarification, it got easier. To share what I just didn’t know and looking to others for answers I felt more secure in my role, my job, with my career.
I started to try to practice it in my life. It led to my coming out. I felt more secure with myself, and my emotions and was eager to be vulnerable in many ways. [But that’s a blog post for another day as well].
When I met my partner in 2020 I was still heavily on the, don’t show all emotions, just practicing the fine line of my breaking point and exploring that feeling. I still struggled with emotions equalling weakness. I believe I will always struggle but my partner came into my life full of vulnerability and emotions. To better understand and learn why and how I could help support I needed to ask her questions. I needed to open my mind and she showed me so much about what being vulnerable could be. After practicing a few moments of vulnerability and the feeling of being in the moment with my feelings I was rewarded. I was rewarded with a feeling of empowerment.
To wrap up without going on and on about myself I want to share my biggest lesson in becoming more emotional and vulnerable. It’s understanding that bottling your emotions up and not opening up leads to that negative self-talk, that self-doubt and can lead to thoughts that simply aren’t safe and healthy. It ties all to your mental health. Free yourself by knowing it’s ok to not be ok and that asking for help can only help. People want to help and hear from you and lift you. If they don’t and they tease or make you feel bad for doing so, they are the wrong people to be in your life. Keep looking and/or find me! Follow and connect with me. I am a safe place to talk to and ask for help and support. Let me straighten your crown.
#MentalHealth #BeVulnerable #EmotionIsGood
The photo shows more than a view
I shared the view from the break in some trees on one of my recent hikes because where I find peace and the freedom to reconnect with myself is outside, in nature. It doesn’t have to be from the top of a mountain, it can be from the seat of a kayak or in an open field after a rain. Take the time to get outside, take a hike and when you get there, pause and take a breath. And know that everything is going to be alright.
