When the side effects actually are real

It's a big dose of reality.

The reality is, I'm losing my hair. At a much faster rate than I could have imagined.

Tonight I noticed before my shower that I could see my scalp through my hair, it was worse when wet.

Transparency: I smile, I know it's only hair, I know it's the lesser of all evils and side effects from my disease modifying treatment however hair loss is just that a loss.

It's not easy, I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Hair can be associated with youth, attractiveness, health and vitality. I had, just a few months ago, thick, amazing hair with a natural grey streak that I feel helps define me, my identity. Today I could see my scalp through that grey streak.

As a human, I have a complex relationship with my hair. It tells a story. My story. As I became more comfortable with who I was on the inside, a gay female. My hair cuts got bolder, shorter, more defining of who I really was. Who I wanted to be. Who I now am.

It's true. I wear hats and love my hats but what makes me cute, in my eyes, is the way my hair peeks out of it when it's on backwards or the way my bangs stand up when it's forward.

I'm seeing this go away. I see my hats turning into a cover up to a balding head instead of a cute accessory to an outfit, great smile and personality.

Yes, it's just hair.

Yes, it's a real big deal to me.

Yes, the emotions and struggle I feel are real. When I wake up with my pillow blanketed with my hair or shower and have my hands filled with it or take off my hat and feel it falling down my face from my head, it all hurts, emotionally.

I just want to stop it and fix it. To pause and collect myself and realize this is all a side effect of a drug that is helping me in so many other ways. And that fact makes me sad and emotional. I’m choosing this.

So many hard decisions, hard choices, I'm tired.

My future is bright. I know that, I just need to accept that it might be without the head of hair I am accustomed to.

I’m strong. But it doesn’t mean I need to stand tall every moment of this journey I’m living with what I call, my battle against my body. Against MS.

🧡 #LivingWithMS 🧡 #CureMS 🧡