A Father’s Heart
has a rough exterior but holds only unconditional love.
My father is a farmer. I grew up a farmer’s daughter and hold pride in that fact. I have do-it-yourself talents, drive and determination to succeed because of the way I was raised.
I never wanted to let my dad down and worked hard for what I thought was his affection. I always believed my two brothers got more of his attention therefore love and that was the farthest from the truth. I see that today.
My dad never made it to my sporting events, he didn’t attend church with us on Sunday mornings as a family. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to. It’s because he was a farmer, running a farm, supporting his family with the lowest-paying profession possible. But the rewards outweighed our struggles, working together, side by side to get the hay in, the barn cleaned, and the cows fed and milked. It taught me the importance of farmers, how to love all animals big and small and what a real day’s work actually looks like.
As I grew I realized my father couldn’t be more proud of me, his only daughter. When I got accepted ‘full scholarship’ to college I got him a simple white pen with the name and logo on the side. He carried it around in his shirt pocket and showed everyone, “Did I tell you my daughter is going to Clarkson University?” would be his opening line.
My dad gave his all to support his family every single day. To be a farmer wasn’t the easiest career choice. Daily we struggled with things out of our control like animal illness and vet bills, dropping milk prices and machinery breaking. My dad would do all that he could himself but of course, expenses rose.
As he aged, his hard-worked body began to wear and eventually his knees made it too painful to bend down, squat and milk the cows. The choices, were to upgrade the farm’s milking equipment which we couldn’t afford, for the children to take over, or to sell the animals and get out of the dairy cattle business. My brothers and I were just teenagers and couldn’t take the farm on ourselves so the hardest choice I believe my parents have ever had to make was to sell what we all only knew as our life.
It was hard but we soon found hobbies with animals and dove head first into 4-H and showing cattle, boarding them elsewhere for others to milk them. My dad got a job where he didn’t have to stress about broken equipment, he did his work and reported any issues to the boss. This took a lot of stress off of him and he was able to become a hobby farmer, working on his tractors, taking on side jobs and tinkering with inventions and creations in his shop.
My dad works hard, pushes himself through all pain and just keeps moving. I definitely know now that we were cut from the same cloth. I get my thickheadedness from him not to mention his amazing talent to act like everything is cool, smile and pretend it’s all fine.
As I have grown and matured I have come to appreciate my dad and what he has to teach me. I do everything I can while on vacation each summer to spend time with him. Help him and just be there. Aging parents really just want us to come ‘home’ and be their children. I give him that. I am his muscle when he needs it. I’ll lift his heavy and he knows it and he has started to ask for my help. It brings such a big smile to my face.
My father showed me the true extent of his love for me and that it was unconditional when I came out as gay at the age of 35. While others struggled with the news, he held back his initial emotions and told me a story about a relative that was also gay. He said not to worry about the rest of the family and to worry about me and what I had going on personally. He took it all on his shoulders. He tried to understand and even though he couldn’t quite grasp it all at the time, he made sure it was clear that he loved me and he didn’t care about anything else but me, being happy and healthy.
Last year he turned to my girlfriend when we were saying our goodbyes from a visit and said, “Take care of my girl”. My emotions ran high. Her emotions ran higher. That’s my dad. My superhero.
When I visit now I try to spend as much time with him as I can. I get up early every day and while doing my morning workout he’d come over and ask if I was busy and if I could help him for a few minutes. Nothing would make me happier dad than to help you out. To lift your heavy! To give you all the attention and make you feel strong again.
My recent struggle hasn't been about me but about my dad. I do truly consider him my superhero. He's the reason I'm a #FarmersDaughter, and why I love moving, being active, getting outside and using my hands to build and create. And his heart disease is real.
My grandfather passed away before my parents were even married from a heart attack in his sleep. My dad was left to run the farm by himself. He eats like a farmer with a meat and potatoes diet, and he is a diabetic on top of it all. He’s been watching his heart care for the last decade or so but not telling the whole story.
Much like MS, heart disease is an invisible illness that allows him to smile on most days and say everything is fine. If this sounds familiar it's because as I stated, I am cut from his cloth! But I will never see it as a bad thing.
Recently he hasn't been feeling quite right and it has actually been for some time he's just been covering it up. After a trip to the ER last week and being able to hear from a video chat firsthand, I have learned he's not as well as I thought he was. They were able to put in 2 more stints adding to several he already has to repair another 90% blockage in a few vessels. And as always after all of them, he's better, he feels like a million bucks. But these are duct tape to a larger, more serious problem that requires ❤️ surgery. I fear he isn’t seeing the extent or seriousness of this.
I won't go into detail but this is what it looks like when a girl finds out her dad isn't going to live forever as he does in her dreams. She turns inward, digests and absorbs the facts, briefly captures his story on paper in a blog, takes the time from work, overcomes her anxiety about catching COVID, drives 4.5 hours to her childhood home and gives the strong man she calls dad a hug.
And she'll keep doing this to remind him he's loved and so she can get as many in as she can. #HugThoseYouLove #TimeIsFleeting
The reality is that time is no longer on our side and someday without notice or warning, things can just CHANGE. Without your permission. It's life and it's not fair.
Someday he will be gone, but that day isn't today and today I spend quality time with my dad.
#DeepThoughts #TakeAction #BeThere
