What inspired me to change and grow?
Sometimes you need bad things to happen to inspire you to change and grow.
Don’t get me wrong. When I look back I have no regrets and my life was great. I definitely had gone through a shift however in my attitude as of recently.
To explain this fully on what I mean I need to go back to 2014. This was when I entered a health and fitness phase of my life when I joined Beachbody and started with their P90X3 90-day program and lost 30 lbs, feeling amazing and confident in myself, something I don’t think I had actually ever felt before. I worked out every morning at 4:30 am before work. I had the drive and pushed myself to stay committed and determined to succeed. I became a coach and had a group of folks on Facebook I was inspiring and helping to reach their fitness goals. I worked for 2 more years using various fitness programs from Beachbody and continued to learn about nutrition and fitness and how they work together.
It was fabulous. I lost a total of 100 lbs and was working out twice a day and eating jarred salads like it was no bodies business. I was doing cardio programs and heavy lifting programs, anything to get the adrenaline flowing and the workout ‘high’ going in me. I was feeling great about helping others hit their weight loss goals and keep moving as well. The whole process was keeping me accountable and engaging with 10s of people daily to lift and support them on their own journeys.
I was looking for a way to maintain my weight loss and be able to eat and drink as I wanted to celebrate my wins and successes and considered myself somewhat of a foodie.
I decided that I would start doing obstacle course races. Spartan races to be exact. I wanted to work toward a trifecta which is 3 races in one year of each level they offered at that time. A sprint, which was 3.2 miles, a super which was 5 miles and a beast which could be anywhere between 13 to 18 miles. I stuck to the East Coast and New England races and ran sprints and supers my first year in 2014, and then ran my first trifecta in 2015, 2016 and again in 2017.
However, by 2017 I could feel a shift in myself, my attitude, and my drive. I was done. I had overworked myself, I had pushed too hard, done too much, too fast and was simply, exhausted and had become bored of the races and pushing so hard. My body was rebelling as well with my knees aching every step of the way, my mind not focusing and wondering, struggling to stay in the game and get through with a smile on my face. I also was struggling to inspire others and keep them motivated as it was taking everything I had to keep myself getting out of bed and moving on my own.
My last Beast was my third Killington VT mountain Beast and every year I felt like I was leaving a piece of my soul on that damn mountain. 16 miles, over 8 hours of trudging, crawling, and fighting for the finish line. I always finished but that year as I walked off the course, my race shoes, gaiters and gloves hit the bottom of the nearest trash can.
I was ‘retiring’. My mind and body were done.
There comes a time when you realize you may have pushed too hard for the wrong reasons. I had pushed my body past the limitations and through all of the pain. And for what? When I lost the weight my ‘why’ was my daughter, she was young and I wanted to be able to do whatever she wanted without the limits of being overweight. But through the years and push, I had forgotten that and was doing it for me, for the food rewards at the end of each race, hike and training session. Yes, I had built strong relationships with those I trained and raced with. Some I couldn’t have done the races without. Some, I will cherish forever.
After I stopped racing, I didn’t have anything to train for but my eating habits didn’t cut back. I kept fueling as if I was lifting heavy and hiking 10 miles up a mountain every weekend. I wasn’t. My body quickly showed what happens when you over-fuel and under-train. I was gaining my weight back, but I was tired. I was unmotivated. I stopped actively coaching and doing the Beachbody programs. I was in a ‘funk’, but I also wasn’t mad about it. I enjoyed the food, I enjoyed resting and just sitting and not having to wake up early. So I just was.
I hiked on occasion but for fun, my knees still hurt, and my body reminded me of the years of wear and tear that I put on it every time I went out. I thought it was part of aging. I was no longer ‘young’ anymore.
I ran a little for cardio, and I lifted a little for muscle build, doing what I thought I should. I struggled to stay consistent, and honestly, I just didn’t care. I felt I was happy. I wasn’t as light or fit as I once was but maybe that was ok.
Maybe I had done all I could do. I still had a bucket list of dreams I wanted to do like hike and summit Mt Washington, the highest peak in the North East. I still loved hiking and summitting mountains, taking a breath and letting all my worries drift away with the breeze. I just didn’t want to train hard and perform in obstacle course races.
In 2018 I definitely missed the races and attended the Killington VT beast as a spectator to cheer on those in my tribe still going strong. This was what I would consider my year of struggle. I was trying to figure out who I was without the training and long hours of working out. I was eating and drinking all of the things and my body was responding quickly to this behavior.
In 2019 I did much of the same and had fallen into my new normal. Getting comfortable in my now over 200 lb body. A place I promised myself I would never go again, over 200. This is the year that my ‘something bad’ happened. The bad thing that inspired me to change and grow.
In August of 2019, I had taken a trip to TX for work and I recall vividly how hot the temps were there. It was over 100 degrees the entire week. I remember posting on Facebook that it was too hot for Sarah Locke! I felt like I was burning up from the inside. I returned home from my business trip and the following day as I stood up from the couch I hit the floor. I was confused. I righted myself and stood up. The whole lower section of my body from my chest down felt tingly and sort of numb. I recall thinking maybe it was because of my weight and sitting on a plane for 6 hours I may have pinched a nerve or had a blood clot so I tried yoga to stretch it out and then swimming in the local pond for the week to try to ‘loosen’ up whatever was happening. It didn’t work.
I called my PCP and she had me come right in. I hadn’t been to her in a few years as I was healthy and happy. She noted my weight gain from the last we spoke but didn’t consider that to be anything severe enough to be a culprit. I love my PCP as she knows me, listens and is incredibly thorough. She goes big first and works backward instead of starting small and working her way up. She felt three things should be tested. Lyme Disease (as I am an avid hiker and could have gotten a bit from one of those nasty ticks and not noticed, highly unlikely as tick checks upon returning from every hike is protocol), her second thought was Lupas and her last thought was Multiple Sclerosis.
She took all the blood panels for a full Lyme workout that day and scheduled me for 3 MRIs with and without contrast of my brain, cervical spine and thoracic spine. The Lyme came back all negative. The MRIs needed to be broken up due to how many and their current scheduling. I had my thoracic first and the day after they had lined up the brain and cervical spine. I remember the exact moment the phone rang. I was walking into the house returning from my thoracic MRI and it was my PCP herself.
Her exact words, “Sarah, I am sorry but the MRI showed demyelination of your thoracic spine at T2. Sarah, you have Multiple Sclerosis. Please finish your MRIs to see if there are any other lesions and in the meantime, I will refer you to the neurologist at Concord Hospital as your next step will be to get a neurologist assigned to you. I’m so sorry”.
I sat on my couch by myself in silence for only a few moments before breaking out in tears. It had been 3 weeks, and every day I was losing more feeling and more numbness in my lower body. My head went right to losing the use of my legs and having the tightness squeezing the air out of my lungs from the pain in my core from my chest down. I wouldn’t be able to hike again. I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I promised my daughter we could do together. This was no longer a losing weight battle but something I had no control over.
I spent the next week trying to get one of the best specialists on the east coast to take me on as a patient. When neurology contacted me originally they couldn’t see me until November. It was the end of August and I couldn't feel my legs! That wasn’t good enough for me. So I wanted the best, not just a neurologist but an MS specialist. So I found out who was the best, Ann Cabot and her team and I called her office every day at 8 AM. I stated my name, my case and that they had my file and that I would like Ann Cabot to please review it. Every day the receptionist said good morning and sort of chuckled that I was calling, again and confirmed that she will once again let Ann know that I called.
4 days passed and on Thursday afternoon of that week my cell phone rang and I answered it to have Ann Cabot on the end of the line stating that she heard that I had been calling and wanted her to review my file. I won’t lie, I answered ‘yes’ with tears in my voice. She was amazing, she confirmed that she reviewed my file and she too agreed that I would be a success story for MS if I had the right support and her team would like to be my support. She asked what I was doing the next day and I told her I was free to do whatever she needed me to do. She made an appointment for the following morning at 9 AM for me to meet and review my MRIs, do some basic tests and free up the rest of the day for other things she might recommend.
I cleared my schedule and I smiled for the first time in 4 weeks as I released a breath of relief.
During the office visit I learned, I had the biggest lesion in my thoracic spin which was causing what they call an ‘MS HUG’ intense, tight squeezing sensation around my core and the numbness in my legs. I also had a few more lesions in my brain but the team explained that the brain is great about rerouting the messaging so I might be foggy for a bit but it will clear up as your brain learns a new pathway around the lesion. I was able to see all of these on my MRIs and it made it all so real. The date was Sept 4th, 2019 and I was officially diagnosed with MS.
They did a balance test and tested my abilities and then reviewed my disease-modified treatment options. Giving me 4 to choose from and review and to take my time with the brochures and materials, read all the side effects and let them know but they felt these 4 would be the best options for me at this time. In the meantime, they sent me over to the infusion center at the hospital to get steroids injected into my body for 3 hours a day for the next 5 days. That is what would stop my immune system from attacking my body and stop the current ‘flare-up’ I was experiencing.
All of this was so incredibly scary and a relief all at once. I knew what it was and now the only choice i was given was to fight it, for the rest of my life.
30 days after my steroid infusions I regained all of my senses and feeling. The MS hug subsided and I could feel my legs again. I was thrilled.
I allowed my daughter to be involved in the process of reading the brochures and helping pick the DMT (disease-modifying treatment) I went on. We both settled on Ocrevus to start. 2 injections 6 months apart and all the side effects sucked so we chose based on not having a daily pill, a weekly shot but only 2 injections every 6 months, hopefully forgetting that I had MS in between.
I quickly found out that I’m #LivingWithMS and there is no forgetting what I have. Daily fatigue, pain and sensitivity and a ton of other things add up to having MS.
This was my bad thing that happened and the saying,
“You don’t know how strong you can be until you don’t have any other choice”
is spot on.
Being diagnosed with MS changed my life. I gave it time to sink in. To try to find my ‘new normal’. But it’s always changing, always a ‘go with the flow’ feeling starting each day. I can get 8 hours of great sleep and wake up exhausted because MS isn’t normal tired, it’s fatigue. No matter the amount of rest and naps, it’s just there. I needed to learn to listen to my body and give it what it needed, not what I wanted.
I have continued to hike and was actually able, with the support of my tribe to make it to the Summit of Mt. Washington and even made the return trip down to the base as well. It was a challenge and one that my tribe made sure I conquered! I am so grateful for them and what I was able to accomplish. I can’t do those as frequently anymore however as they are days of planning and a full day of hiking that rewards me with days of fatigue and pain afterward.
Poles up!
Look at that view.
Summit of Mt. Washington
I must be honest, this is one of the hardest things for me to do even 3 years later. I want to go, go go, and do all of the things but sometimes I am moody, irritable, tired and just not able to. It is incredibly frustrating.
This past year I finally came to terms that my weight and daily habits might be hurting my ability to deal with this disease. MS has pushed me, no, inspired me to be a better version of myself. The best version of myself. I have MS but MS doesn’t own me. I want to call the shots. I want to live my life, on my terms. So as I said, sometimes bad things happen to inspire us to grow and thrive. This was mine.
January 13th, 2022 was the exact date that I committed to change. Change the way I ate and change the way I think. I took a chance on a program that helped me fuel my body properly while teaching me how to prepare whole foods that would nurture my body best. I must say that this program came with 2 books, My Life Book and Habits of Health book. The Life Book was just that, it was a journal filled with thought-provoking topics that made me have ‘coming to Jesus moments’ with myself. Everything from the way I behave and react to situations, and why I do things I do and react the way I react. It also talked about finances, relationships and everything in between. It helped me clear my head. It helped me get out of my head by having hard conversations with myself about who I really was.
This program, which I was in the weight loss phase of it for 7 months reading the books and doing the journaling exercises. I found myself. I really found myself. I was changing and growing. I was becoming a new version of myself. 68 pounds gone and a clear, calm mind leading me every day. I started doing arm balance yoga to steady my mind and strengthen my body. I started practicing being proactive and less reactive in my daily life. Now in what is called Maintenance, I am making healthy choices, both for my nutrition but also for my life choices. The way I am raising my daughter, the way I am enjoying my relationship with my partner and living my life day to day. It has extended into my work life as well.
In my last visit to my MS team, they were impressed with my weight loss, but loved the new, enlighted me. Ann was excited about my mindset, and the way I was thinking positively. I expressed that I wanted to do more in my community and she said, ‘so do it’. As of yesterday and after connecting with the right people and taking the appropriate training I am now an MS Ambassador for the National MS Society. I also volunteer with a Peer MS Mentor group run out of my local hospital for those with MS. The growth I am experiencing is something I didn’t even know I wanted or needed.
Ann shared that sometimes, even though rare and some with MS turn inward and experience depression and self-pity. Some see it as a challenge and start working to live the life they were letting escape them daily before and appreciate it more now since they realize it can and most likely will be taken from them without their having a say.
That is exactly what has happened to me. I accepted the challenge.
MS is allowing me to be the best version of myself. It’s funny how when something is threatened to be taken away from you, even though you never really cared about it, now care more than ever.
I only have one body and I will do everything within my power to make it as fit and healthy as possible.
MS messed with the wrong girl!
Climb to the Top for a World Free of MS event.
I participate to bring awareness of MS to the forefront and raise funds to find a cure so one day perhaps there will be a World Free of MS.
#LivingWithMS #CureMS #MSWarrior #FUMS #MSAmbassador #MSAwareness
